Bliss

On the days leading up to a holiday weekend, I’m always brimming with excited anticipation. I imagine all the fun activities. Maybe we’ll go off on an adventure. Eat a new food. Discover some hidden gem. Reconnect. Make each other laugh. It will be bliss.  The stuff that photo albums are filled with.

But by Sunday night of President’s Day weekend, I’m ready for all my boys to head out. Please go back to your respective day jobs and leave the house to me. I want my dog back, no dishes on the counter, no random lights left on in empty rooms and what I really need is just a few minutes with no one asking me for anything. It’s the only child in me. She rears her head at funny times.

But there were a few Sam highlights that made this long weekend more bearable than most. None were shocking. None made me run to the phone to thank Betsy. But they made me stop. And the best part was that Tom was home enjoying the long weekend with us so they made him stop too. And then we looked at each other silently and smiled.  Because the only thing better than seeing a change is having someone there to confirm that you’re really seeing what you’re seeing.

On Saturday, we went to Ben’s basketball game. Pre Brain Balance, Sam would have brought his iPod Touch and would have been lost in it. He would have sat in the adjacent room; removed from the game and all the spectators. It would have been like he wasn’t there. A family friend’s younger son is often at the Y for his brother's game at the same time. When they’ve seen each other before, they’ve played video games. Or if that wasn’t an option, they ran around being silly. Sam likes kids that are younger than him. Socially they’re more on his level so these two get along well.  This was a fun 45 minutes for them both. They ran. They laughed. Best of all, Sam saw him and was present. And when Robby had to leave, Sam asked if we could have dinner with his family at Bunny’s. Sam hates going out to dinner. He only likes to hang out with us – at home. Instead, that day he wanted to connect. Our first smiling moment.

My psychoanalyst dad came to visit on Sunday. He knows all about how brains work so we spent a lot of time talking about the theories behind Brain Balance. I was relieved when he nodded and agreed that it sounded interesting.  After dinner, we dropped him at the train. My dad has been trying really hard over the past year to develop a stronger connection with our boys. Each unexpected effort he extends makes me happy for them in a completely selfless way. They are so lucky to have his attention and they’re starting to notice the effort he’s making.  Is Sam responding to his warmth? Or maybe it’s that Sam’s able to express feelings that he couldn’t before – Grandpa, don’t go. Stay with us. Can’t you sleepover? This made my dad even happier than it made me and Tom. We were all smiling.

The weekend finally came to a close with Ben’s soccer tournament. Sam and I went to watch the first game and then had to leave for his appointment.  Again, this would have been a iPod Touch moment. His eyes would have been down. He wouldn’t have felt the intensity surrounding him. This time he didn’t have anything to look at but the field. He watched Ben. Then he watched some of the other boys. And when we got up to leave, he walked as close to the field as he could and waved. Bye. Good luck. Have a great game, Ben.  More waves. This is a kid who never watches his brother play and doesn't ever cheer. And in a room filled with whistles, echoes and overly competitive screaming dads he would have rushed out to avoid the noise. As we tripped through obstacles - siblings sleeping in strollers, discarded sweatpants and half full bottles of neon blue Gatorade he grabbed my hand and bounced out beside me.  I looked back at Tom and his grin was just about as big and goofy as mine.

Did we get to enjoy these awesome eye-opening moments because of all the hard work Sam has been doing in that sensory gym? Or is it just that we’ve taken that stupid zombie maker out of his hands and now he has to find other ways to be entertained? It doesn’t really matter. Either way, these are moments we wouldn’t have had and smiling feels so much better than worrying. Especially when the house is empty and Daisy and I can blissfully enjoy a quiet Tuesday morning to ourselves.